We Have Turned Outside-in
WE HAVE TURNED OUTSIDE-IN
Our perceptions have been turned outside in!
People say "What's in it for me?", "It's all about me!", or "What about me?". Me, me, me. That is what's wrong with relationships today.
I'll first give a complicated example: MARRIAGE
So many marriages end in divorce, and those that do have a common theme. One or both of the spouses feel that the other is not living up to their expectations. You see it listed as the reason for divorces all the time. "My spouse doesn't meet my expectations in fill in the blank (sexual satisfaction, earning money, social statis, personal attention, helping around the house, ect.).
I have an expectation of you and you do not meet that expectation, therefore I am dissatisfied even to the point of being miserable. I have made everything about me. I have taken outside influences and turned them inward. It is no longer about you, it is about me. I have turned things outside in. But since "It's not my fault" (another great defense in the world today) it must be your fault that I feel this way, not my fault.
If your view were to EXPECT NOTHING from your spouse, then it would be impossible for them to perform below your expectations. There would be nothing to be dissatisfied with. Now when I feel dissatisfied, I can no longer blame you. I have to look inside myself.
If your view further were to be "What can I give to this marriage?", then you are taking what's inside you and turning it outward. This is "giving". Instead of turning things outside-in, you are turning things inside-out.
Read that over again carefully. This is the shift in perception.
Outside-In
You do not meet my expectations therefore, no matter what you have given, it is not good enough. (Dissatisfied)
Inside-Out
I expect nothing from you, so anything you give me is more than I expected. (Satisfied)
Notice where "I" and "You" are in relationship to satisfaction.
When you practice an Outside-In relationship with your spouse, it changes your whole perception on the marriage. You are no longer in a relationship for what your spouse can do for you, you are in a relationship for what you can do for your spouse. Now when you are dissastified you can no longer blame your spouse, because you were expecting nothing from them. You now find your satisfaction from what you are giving, so you must look inside yourself to find the source of your dissatisfaction.
But what about the "goals" of a relationship? Goals and Expectations are not the same thing. Goals can be reached. Expectations on others are seldom realized. So I'm not saying to lower your goals, you should raise them, keep them high and strive for them. But notice I said "you" should, not your spouse. That's up to them and you should not have an expectation that they will do the same just because you have.
I am also not trying to say that everything your spouse does is to be accepted. There are ethical boundries than can be crossed. These must be considered more deeply. But issues like "you did the laundry, but you did the permanent press, not the whites" should not be a source of dissatisfaction for you any more. Now you will find satisfaction that your spouse did some of the laundry for you. It was the act of them giving that is satisfying. It is no longer dissatifying that they gave something other than what you expected.
I have used the example of a marriage to serve as an example. If you are not or have never been in a marriage then you can apply the same principles to a dating relationship or a friendship. In fact, you can apply it to many other facets of your life including your job, career, charities, or any scenario where you have to deal with other people.
I ramble a lot to make a point, my daughter even tells me so, but someone said it simpler when they said "PAY IT FORWARD".
There is always an exception to the rule. When you choose to practice this method of living (giving) you still will not experience complete satisfaction, but dissatisfaction should be the exception, not the rule.
I will be celebrating 24 years years of marriage with my wife this year. That's way beyond my expecations. My career and the success of my daughter have also exceeded my expectations.
Until we appear again,
Kipp Sherry
Our perceptions have been turned outside in!
People say "What's in it for me?", "It's all about me!", or "What about me?". Me, me, me. That is what's wrong with relationships today.
I'll first give a complicated example: MARRIAGE
So many marriages end in divorce, and those that do have a common theme. One or both of the spouses feel that the other is not living up to their expectations. You see it listed as the reason for divorces all the time. "My spouse doesn't meet my expectations in fill in the blank (sexual satisfaction, earning money, social statis, personal attention, helping around the house, ect.).
I have an expectation of you and you do not meet that expectation, therefore I am dissatisfied even to the point of being miserable. I have made everything about me. I have taken outside influences and turned them inward. It is no longer about you, it is about me. I have turned things outside in. But since "It's not my fault" (another great defense in the world today) it must be your fault that I feel this way, not my fault.
If your view were to EXPECT NOTHING from your spouse, then it would be impossible for them to perform below your expectations. There would be nothing to be dissatisfied with. Now when I feel dissatisfied, I can no longer blame you. I have to look inside myself.
If your view further were to be "What can I give to this marriage?", then you are taking what's inside you and turning it outward. This is "giving". Instead of turning things outside-in, you are turning things inside-out.
Read that over again carefully. This is the shift in perception.
Outside-In
You do not meet my expectations therefore, no matter what you have given, it is not good enough. (Dissatisfied)
Inside-Out
I expect nothing from you, so anything you give me is more than I expected. (Satisfied)
Notice where "I" and "You" are in relationship to satisfaction.
When you practice an Outside-In relationship with your spouse, it changes your whole perception on the marriage. You are no longer in a relationship for what your spouse can do for you, you are in a relationship for what you can do for your spouse. Now when you are dissastified you can no longer blame your spouse, because you were expecting nothing from them. You now find your satisfaction from what you are giving, so you must look inside yourself to find the source of your dissatisfaction.
But what about the "goals" of a relationship? Goals and Expectations are not the same thing. Goals can be reached. Expectations on others are seldom realized. So I'm not saying to lower your goals, you should raise them, keep them high and strive for them. But notice I said "you" should, not your spouse. That's up to them and you should not have an expectation that they will do the same just because you have.
I am also not trying to say that everything your spouse does is to be accepted. There are ethical boundries than can be crossed. These must be considered more deeply. But issues like "you did the laundry, but you did the permanent press, not the whites" should not be a source of dissatisfaction for you any more. Now you will find satisfaction that your spouse did some of the laundry for you. It was the act of them giving that is satisfying. It is no longer dissatifying that they gave something other than what you expected.
I have used the example of a marriage to serve as an example. If you are not or have never been in a marriage then you can apply the same principles to a dating relationship or a friendship. In fact, you can apply it to many other facets of your life including your job, career, charities, or any scenario where you have to deal with other people.
I ramble a lot to make a point, my daughter even tells me so, but someone said it simpler when they said "PAY IT FORWARD".
There is always an exception to the rule. When you choose to practice this method of living (giving) you still will not experience complete satisfaction, but dissatisfaction should be the exception, not the rule.
I will be celebrating 24 years years of marriage with my wife this year. That's way beyond my expecations. My career and the success of my daughter have also exceeded my expectations.
Until we appear again,
Kipp Sherry
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Recent Blog Entries by Kipp Sherry
- We Have Turned Outside-in (08-03-2008)
- The Cup (08-03-2008)
- Test Blog (03-02-2008)
